Almost

I have debated about telling this story off and on. But today, February 14th will be the 10 year anniversary for me.

On December 31, 2001 I was asked to be married. I said yes, and on February 14th I called off the engagement. Yes, I do regret that I did that on that day, but the other part of me says that it was a good day, it was the best day, as that was the day I had the courage to call it off.

Just need to say up front, I was engaged to a very good man, he did nothing wrong. And now your asking, if he was a good man, why did she call it off? Well, I knew him for a long time, he moved back to Alaska and we worked together and became good friends, we would joke about how we should get married and that led to being asked. Also there is an unspoken pressure in the church that women should be married and if not married, you might should think about going to China and doing mission work, (I'm being a little sarcastic there) and I don't speak Chinese.

When I said yes, part of me at the same time was screaming at me "Self! Not a good idea!" but he has asked me in front of my family and I did not was to embarrass him, and I thought that I would adjust to it, you know, get on board with the program. But as time went by, I was becoming more and more unhappy, but also thinking that maybe this was just the jitters, the cold feet syndrome.

About six months before he asked me, we both worked for the same company but in different stations in Alaska and we both got transferred back to Anchorage, we decided to share an apartment (As friends, not anything else) as Anchorage is an expensive place to live. When we were just friends sharing a place, I had no problems, it was when we got engaged, that the problems started to rear their ugly heads.

I was 36 at the time, and very independent. One thing that I did not like was that he would tell me that I should not walk my dog in the dark at 5.30am by myself, it was dangerous, but I worked a morning shift, when was I going to walk her? And if you're that worried, get up and come with me.

Another thing, before engagement, we both did our own food shopping and most often did our own cooking as we worked different hours but each of us were more then welcomed to eat what we had made. After engagement, I would come home from work, he would be on his off days and ask "Whats for dinner?" Then the laundry problem, and the grocery shopping problem, the ugly heads just kept popping up and I was becoming more and more unhappy, and little things became big things in my eyes.

I know, the two examples are very mild, but it was all the little things that started to eat at me. To get married in the church that we went too, we had to have counseling, each of us our own, and then as couples. When I went to my very first meeting I broke down and just sobbed, I told her all the little things that were bugging me and she mentioned that for me, they might be red flags, was I sure that I loved him? Like a wife should love her husband? That's when it hit me, no, I did not love him. I did love him, but in a platonic friendship way, not a wife way.

A few weeks go by, it's getting closer to Valentines day and I'm in the card aisle looking at cards, crying cause I know I need to call it off, but how? All these cards are big fat liar cards! They are sweet mushy cards, I needed a card that said " Don't want to get married!" I did not buy a card.

The big day comes, I get up and take Abby for her walk at 5.30am and when I got back home, he had a large, homemade mushy card on the coffee table. I started to cry, he was in the shower and when he came out he wanted to know if I liked the card, but by that time, I was crying so hard that I started to gag, then I started to vomit. Yep, and while I was throwing up, that's when I told him that I did not want to get married. All he said was "lets talk when I get back from work"

It was a amicable break up. I gave up everything that we had bought together (he paid me for my half) and I moved out of the apartment and into my own place. And was happy.

Now I say "Better to be unmarried and wish you were married, then to be married and wish you were single"